The Terrible Tale of Montmorency

In the little town of Quincy
Lived a boy named Montmorency,
Eton collar and top hat
And most noticeably fat
Montmorency was like that.

Now, his Mama and his Papa
Were guilty of a great faux pas,
Because they doted on that child
And with him their time they whiled
They sundry favours on him piled.

Their sin – and sin it was, forsooth –
Was to indulge his great sweet tooth.
As soon as breakfast was announced,
That Montmorency swiftly pounced
And swelled up till he nearly bounced.

Two short hours passed, and then he’d eat
Six pounds of well-cooked luncheon meat,
And on the side, eleven pints
(A dish more suited to fat giants)
Of baked beans made by Messrs Heinz.

And when it was his luncheon hour
He’d down a quart of elderflower
And then would firmly fix his bib
And tuck into a bullock’s rib
That’s what he ate, it ain’t no fib.

But tea-time was his favourite meal,
When hunger made that fat boy feel
That he should right away eat six
Full pounds of sticky pick-n-mix
Eight gobstoppers and candy sticks.

Sherbet fountains, bubble gum,
Toffee apples made by Mum,
Sticks of rock and candy floss
Liquorice and fudge, of course,
He seemed as hungry as a horse.

At suppertime he’d call his Nurse
And say his hunger had grown worse.
She’d sit him down beside his pater
And choose for him a large potato
With seven others saved for later.

But then at last the last day came,
When tubby Monty couldn’t tame
His greedy urges or his thirst.
One final grape, and then the worst
Thing happened: Montmorency burst!

The mess was ghastly, Nanny said,
It soiled his walls and marked his bed.
She told his father, greatly pained,
Of how it on the curtains rained,
And left the Axminster all stained.

‘Oh bless the boy’, his father sniffed,
‘He always did have such a gift,
For keeping servants at their work,
Lest they should laze or doze or shirk
It’s just a boy’s amusing quirk.’

So children, please remember well,
To banish greed and hunger quell,
You would not wish to meet an end,
So messy and so hard to mend,
As Montmorency’s tragic end


by Abdal Hakim Murad


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